A Sports Parent Manifesto
Sports parents must rise higher than ever before
I recently read an article that said the pressures on girls 8 -13 are tremendous these days for several reasons, with one being the demands of sports success. I was not surprised by that conclusion, as I see it all the time and more now than years ago. Unfortunately, the pressures on young athletes, including boys, have grown in recent years.
Having parented athletes myself and having coached youth for 34 years, I know there are ways to combat the issue. Of course, there is no magic formula to completely reduce pressure as it is inherent in sports performance. Still, the sooner adults employ helpful words and actions in a child’s career, the better chance of a more positive mentality and experience moving forward. Like the athletes with their play, parents will not be perfect with parenting, but they also can learn and grow. Although the following suggestions are mine, they have basis in the many studies done on youth sports.
The Youth Sports Issue
First, often not considered, is that part of the fun for kids is pleasing their parents. But there is a downside - kids get down quickly because they sense they disappoint mom and dad. Second, there are players who lose confidence quickly and mentally beat themselves up for not being better, no matter how hard they work. Pressure from self, parents, and coaches wears on kids, and when those forces collide, the sports experience is not what it should be and leads to depressed players and possibly quitting.
Kids caring about how they perform is good, but when the result is living and dying with every game, so to speak, it is not good. And even though they have the best intentions, adults bring those fluctuating emotions by making it about success rather than the fun of playing. Sure, having some success is necessary for enjoyment, but expecting outstanding results at young ages hurts the child’s chances of playing for a long time.
I wish I had a dollar for every parent who told me they “just want them to “have fun” and then I watch as they get upset when their child doesn’t do what they told them or doesn’t play up to their wishes. Instead of telling them to have fun, it may be better to say things like, “I look forward to watching you play, good luck, and I will always believe in you.”
What’s important to know is that the players who have the most success at the end of the day are those who love playing the game first. They roll with the punches of poor play and believe in a solid work ethic. Those with an optimistic frame of mind and think long-term success, not the early stars, are the ones who will be paying into high school, if not beyond. On the other hand, those who get down each time they do not do well are the ones who burn out at a young age or have little enjoyment.
What sports parents can do to help
There are ways to lessen the pressure. First, adults should not take things too hard when their child struggles. Showing disappointment after their son or daughter has a bad game tells the child that to handle frustration, one should feel bad and dwell on it until the next game or practice. Additionally, always expecting “better” is unrealistic and adds unwarranted pressure.
Along the same lines, expecting the player’s coaches to turn players into stars is unfair to the coaches. Only the player can turn themselves into a star, which is only possible with fun and adult encouragement. Along with that should go the understanding that only a very few can “star,” and it is a bonus for those who do it, but it should not be a parental expectation.
Below are other tips for parents to help athletes develop the self-assurance that makes playing much more enjoyable, and the bonus of doing many of these is seeing a happier child and the desired “mentally tough” player.
Helpful Tips for Youth Sports Parents (and coaches)
It’s vital to know that self-confidence does not come from praising kids too much, and over-the-top praise is especially detrimental. Self-confidence comes from overcoming obstacles and not from telling them how great they are doing. Honest evaluation in an empathetic voice, along with teaching them to accept and embrace challenges that sports present, is best. Instead of “You are doing great,” praise their effort, say how proud you are of that effort, and that you are 100% confident the work will pay off in the long run.
2. On the flip side of that, degrading talk and ignoring players after less-than-stellar play should be a “never event.”
3. Allow players to feel down for a short spell after the game, say for the car ride home, but do not act the same way. Talk about something random on the ride home or listen to upbeat music. When home, tell them you feel bad that they feel bad, but you know they will do better the next game, so “Keep your head up.”
4. Follow up on that later by allowing them to voice their frustrations and concerns about their play. It helps to remind players that sports success comes and goes, even though they won’t want to hear that when they have had success in the past, but still, it is an important, occasional reminder.
5. Inform players that what’s important to you is that they play like when they first began playing by:
* Focusing on what they enjoy about the game
* Having fun with and just being around their teammates
* Playing to improve, not to prove anything
6. Help kids gain the know-how. Going into games with little belief in one’s abilities makes having fun difficult and little confidence over a long period is detrimental to wanting to keep playing. The thing to know is that frustration often comes more from not knowing what to do or why they failed than from the failure itself. Finding a way for athletes to learn what it takes, whether they can do it or not, is a great start. Over time, players learn why they failed and learn to make adjustments on their own.
7. Do not nag kids to “Practice more,’ but explain the best way to overcome disappointment is by putting in more work. Make the point that “failure is a setback only when they do nothing about it” and that staying focused on their long-term goals is the key to advancement.
8. Remember not to overemphasize what players do on the field compared to other life interests. Treating their sports accomplishments as “who they are” and more important than other things they do is not the way to go. Remember, it’s only one thing they do among many. With that in mind, “Always” being there is not as important as you think, which means missing some games is OK and often keeps added pressure off the player. Showing interest after the games is essential, though, and often brings more conversation than attended games.
9. Do not be the one who makes it a big deal when coaches make a move that seems to demote their child’s play. Ask the player how it made them feel and note that it’s normal to feel bad, but it’s something they can overcome. Similarly, do not handle every situation for kids. Let players deal with others, including the coach, once they are of an age when they are up to it. Coaches will respect players who ask them what they must work on to restore their spot. Of course, some situations require adult supervision, so stepping in at that time should be done.
10. Many athletes are perfectionists, which isn’t always a bad thing , but they need reminding that perfection is unattainable, not expected by you, and certainly shouldn’t be demanded of themselves. Remind them of the things they control – effort and preparation – and your only request is that they give their best. A line I often say to kids who are tough on themselves is, “Remember the good; forget the bad.” Easier said than done but developing a glass-half-full frame of mind is the way to happiness.
11. Similarly, help athletes learn to keep their minds in the present and have a fearless demeanor by reminding them that every play and game is independent of previous ones. “Forget about it” and ‘You will get it next time” are comforting words, which, when said enough, will become ingrained in a player’s attitude.
12. Do not overschedule kids. This is not easy in year-round travel sports, but parents must find ways to let kids be away from the sports fields. No matter how much a kid loves to play, a tired athlete of any age gets frustrated quickly, which leads to burnout. When a break comes to the games, have the child get away from it even if it’s a short time off.
13. Be careful of early specialization. In an effort not to overschedule kids, some choose to go with one sport. However, that choice can backfire, too, as kids tend to burn out at younger ages because of too much of one thing. Also, everyone expects more success because of focusing on one thing, but that is not always the case, and by specializing, there are few alternatives to fall back on if they burn out. Perhaps, the best option is not to specialize before high school but also not to play travel sports in more than one to avoid overscheduling issues. Each child's situation is different, and making the best decision should include the child-athletes desires. Having outside interests that are not in the athletic arena is good, and they may combat any detrimental effects of specializing at a young age.
14. Body language means so much. Showing negativity with head shakes, etc., will be seen by kids, who most want to please you. Encourage players to show an upbeat demeanor, smile, and be happy for having the opportunity to play and be amongst friends. Once again, the best way to teach is by parents doing the same.
Yes, a lot goes into keeping the fun in sports, but the benefit of doing many of the above will be a child who truly enjoys the work and are unafraid to take on challenges in the future.
Finally, one of my favorite lines comes from signage posted at some youth league games, “No scholarships will be handed out today.” So, kick back and enjoy your child’s effort; believe me, it goes by quickly.
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